Tuesday, 29 April 2008

imagination sometimes kills..

hmm..I have no idea why I came to blog, but my hands just led me to my blog..I have no idea what I wanna blog..I'm just having my random moments again...o.o actually I dunno what I'm talking about..I'm just being nonsensical right now. Mm..I myself don't know what I'm about to say..okay I'll shoot.

1) I'm happy at times
2) I'm sad at times
3) I'm crazy at times
4) I'm emo at times
5) I'm stressed at times
6) I'm just confused at times

A little mixture of it altogether in the big cauldron of Audrey. What's life really? Sometimes I wonder what's the reason that God gave me life..To help others in trouble? To comfort others when they're down? To stop people from slicing themselves? Even commiting suicide? Yes I know what to say to others, I don't mind sacrificing everything for the ones I love.

But one thing that I've realised about myself is..I don't care about myself. I don't mind getting hurt. I don't mind getting lied to. I don't mind being backstabbed. If it was for my family, my close friends, I wouldn't really think about myself then. First thing that would come to my mind would be..about the other person. Is he/she getting the better out of it? If it is, I'll do it. I guess I've done this since I was..standard five..yeah it all started there..

I realised the pain of losing a friend who never talked to me since and till now, I still don't know what the reason was. But yeah..the reason I can help people is because I went through what most of them are currently going through. Used, cheated, forced, lost a friend, backstabbed by the person who you thought was your best friend since you were born, being gossiped by others for few years, or you were not included in the 'click' and were just ignored and treated badly for few years =) are just a few examples I can think of.

Then till one time, I couldn't take it any longer and yes I admit that I did cut myself twice and thought of suicide a million times and almost attempted it..but then there was this person who convinced me that life isn't just about that and I realised it then, that's why I can't imagine myself doing that any longer. Seriously, I mean..I thought about it the other way round. How would you feel, if the person you love wanted to cut themselves/ commit suicide? Pretty excruciating isn't it?

I guess I was hurt for a very long period of time till I tried to turn myself immune to it and didn't want to make others worry by shutting of my emotions on the outside. So years passed and I became much better in controlling my emotions infront of others..I rarely got angry..If I wanted to get angry I'd just cool myself down..If I wanted to cry I would go somewhere unseen and if I had a disliking towards another, I would just look at it as everyone is different, no one's perfect I have my own flaws too, it's not their fault that they're like that. But I guess I was too used to it that what I tried to be was what I became. That's why now..I just don't tell anyone what I'm going through only a small small amount of people..probably 3-4 people..

Now, I can't imagine myself getting angry at someone over something small because I know I'd regret if I did. I even turned myself in to someone who didn't mind people hurting me..I thought it was what everyone did. I mean, hurt me okay I'll be hurt..but eventually i'll forgive and so far I have forgiven everyone I know that hurt me and actually are quite close to most of them.

All those things that I heard others talk bad about me I tried to change to be someone better. I tried and I achieved some. But, no matter what there was still that part of me that just wished..just wished there would be one person who would not hurt me.

And yes there are those people. Those who really really knows the real me. Those who don't only see me as someone hyper and friendly which yes I know I am that I can't deny ^^..but no one can be 100% happy all the time right? Everyone's bound to be sad no matter what. So yeah..there are those particularly small amount of people..which you should know who you are and..yeah just wanna take this opportunity to say thanks. thanks. and thanks. for making one of my biggest wishes come true.

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